These are dark times for video games journalism. Attacked from all sides by unethical behaviour, a lack of fact-checking, poor writing, and Doritos, where can gamers go to quench their thirst for knowledge and information? The answer, you may be surprised to hear, is not Mountain Dew.
We see time and time again, gamers getting upset at games journalism, decrying the crass commercialism of it, how “journos” and reviewers really do look like they’ve been bought by companies like EA and Activision. We all seem to wish that games journalism would be a little more like real journalism, come into its own, FINALLY grow up once and for all. That’s why we’re here. Daniel and I (Pierre) and our 100+ strong team of reporters, researchers, photographers, editors, secretaries, vice-secretaries, senior executive vice-secretaries, coffee boys, coffee non-gender identifiers, and two old ladies who knit sweaters for the Christmas party. We are here to speak for all gamers. Our team is very diverse, with people of French, English, Irish, German, and even a little Scottish and Welsh descent, a well as one guy who once had a dream where he kissed another guy. Also, we’re pretty sure we have a woman or two. So, like we said, super diverse. We speak for all gamers.
We’re doing all this because it’s high time video games got the serious treatment they deserve, just like the other media get. We’re editing the brightness settings in order to shine the light of truth into the blurry pixellated face of injustice, illuminating it for great justice. We’re here to prove that great games journalism will never come from Doritos and Mountain Dew. We’re finally bringing 21st century journalism to video games.
Welcome to GMZ.*
*Powered by Sprite and Taco Bell.
By Lance L. Lott
As if Princess Prin-Prin wasn’t giving his nether regions enough attention, knight and serial exhibitionist Sir Arthur was jailed last week for Public Indecency. This arrest marks his 108th offense for this crime. Arthur has gained somewhat of a reputation for his stripped exploits, commonly running into battle wearing only underwear. “I find his actions disgraceful,” remarked Astaroth, King of Demons, “I’m evil incarnate, and even I have a sense of decency.” Arthur’s current sentence will last 5 months, and also includes 148 hours of community service. Let’s just hope none of that community service is near schools, lest he get some crazy ideas.
By Tett Sue O. Phu Cuda
What do you get when you cross Doctor Robotnick, Zangief, and Kazuya Mishima? Washed up B-lister, Jinborv Karnovski, of course. “Karnov” was spotted with a traveling circus in Eastern Europe. After a public confrontation with Abobo, in which Karnov was quoted as calling Abobo a “DK-Mode knockoff,” Karnov disappeared from the celebrity world. After being re-discovered at the circus, many questions arose. Karnov told fans he wanted to “return to [his] roots,” but an anonymous source contacted us, and tells us that in reality, Karnov got blackballed by the Video Game industry for his reckless behavior. The anonymous source says Karnov often showed up to work completely intoxicated, and at least once, beat a developer into a coma. So, what are we supposed to believe? That Karnov is trying to return to his roots and get his life back together? Or that his choices forced him back to his former life? All I know is that I would just stick to Street Fighter for your buff asian fix. I wouldn’t expect anything noteworthy out of our has-been Mongol anytime soon… or ever.
By April O’Neil
It appears that last night, Seattle PD arrested former video game one-hit wonder and ugly-ass alien Q*Bert at his Seattle appartment. After searching his car and appartement, which are likely the same thing, they found an assortment of pills, cocaine, weapons, and a disturbing collection of what was described as “nose dildos.” Police were initially called to Club Penumbra to respond to an incident involving a severely intoxicated and agitated patron brandishing a gun and uttering threats. Several witnesses described a “thing” fitting Q*Bert’s description as the cause of the disturbance.