GMZ #2 – Diabetes, PTSD, Vandalism, & More
Litigation in 3D
Written, Edited, Directed, and apologized for by George Lucas
After a year and a half long legal battle, a settlement has finally appeared between Ezekiel “Zeke” Jacobsen, celebrity zombie killer, and Setou Eyeware over permanent eye damage caused by prolonged use of Jacobsen’s now signature 3D glasses, a Setou Eyeware model PRT-WSKY Anaglyph 3D Eyeware. “Looking back, it was probably foolish of me to wear Anaglyph glasses constantly. I wouldn’t recommend it to the future generations.” Despite his admission of a mistake, Jacobsen settled with Setou for an undisclosed amount, but according to our sources, it is no less than 3.8 million dollars. Despite our best attempts, Ezekiel’s former-partner and ex-Wife Julia Kess was working the outbreak in Sicily at the time of the settlement, and was unavailable for comment.
Soda Popinski Admits He Has Type-2 Diabetes
By Anne Sulin
Somewhat buried by Tom Hanks’ admission which happened only an hour earlier than his, Soda Popinski has also admitted that he has been diagnosed with Type-2 diabetes. The former boxer admits that his propensity for the extremely sugary carbonated drinks are the likely cause of the disease and decided to tell the world in the hopes that his plight can serve as a warning to others. The now terribly rotund Russian, who moved to a remote island named Hippo more than a decade ago, is now bald and has shaved his once iconic moustache. “I got so fat, I moved here thinking I could live in peace, away from the camera’s stinging glare. Instead, I’m constantly mocked and harassed by the local children who have nicknamed me the king of the island,” he explains in front of his small, cramped shack. He also used the opportunity to announce his return to professional boxing, promising to reveal his new ring-name soon. “I’ve started training again and I think I can use my weight to my advantage. Punches to the gut barely hurt, though I do have trouble keeping my shorts up.”
From Running and Gunning to Running and Hiding
By Joe Eks-Uper
Colonel Ralf Paul “Snake” Jones, known for his involvement in the now declassified military “Operation Ikari”, and having previously served as a tank unit in the invasion of Normandy (the late 1975 invasion, not pertaining to the Second World War), recently went on a public tirade in a New York restaurant where he talked raved enthusiastically for several minutes about “the Commandos,” and repeated phrases like “the walls are iron, the floor is iron, above is iron, the shards are iron, there is no escape.” The rant took a dark turn however, when his wife, Gladys, tried to calm him. Jones, still enraged, slapped his wife across the face, and ran out of the restaurant. Since the occurrence yesterday, Ralf Jones has returned home, and not spoken in response to any inquiries on the incident, as videos of it continue to circulate the web. Experts, such as our in house Pharmaceutapsychoanalsexologist Thomas R. Countree, believe the incident to be triggered likely by PTSD after Jones’ military service in the Bahamas in the village of Ikari.
Child Arrested for Vandalism Spree
By Saria Deku
The young child linked to series of petty theft and vandalism cases has been apprehended by local law enforcement. Shockingly, the child appears to be feral. Authorities are saying that no next of kin has come forward and that the child has not spoken a single word since being taken into custody. The boy was wanted for stealing pots and destroying neighbourhood hedges over the course of the last 4 months. Witnesses described the child as having blonde to light brown hair and wearing a kind of green gown and hat. Police have released the following photo hoping someone will come forward with information relating to the child’s identity.
Feature – R3tr0 L33t Reviews
By Kelsey Gramer
Hey losers! Kelsey Gramer here. Yes, I’m a dude. Kelsey is a guy’s name, so fuck off and welcome to my regular feature. I’m 22, l33t, and love modern games, but for this feature, I’ve been asked to play these “classic” games that everyone is always going on about to see what the deal is. I don’t expect to be very impressed and I don’t expect to have much to say. There is just no way these old games can compare in any way to Call of Duty or Madden. Anyway, so I played Super Mario Bros for the NES…
First of all, wow. This game makes no sense. It’s as if people hadn’t heard of realism when they made this game. I guess the concept didn’t exist in the 80s. The stuff with the mushrooms, the pipes, the stupid-looking enemies: someone was on drugs, and not the good kinds (alcohol, Red Bull). Don’t even get me started on those flowers.
The music is not only annoying, but incessantly so. I can’t even hear the enemies as they get closer to me because there are virtually NO SOUND EFFECTS TO SPEAK OF. No, I do not count the various jumping, landing on an enemy, or shooting fire noises as sound effects. They sound like what you’d hear when Dora the Explorer’s turds hit the toilet water. It’s stupid. Speaking of stupid, no upgrades or kill streaks? LAME!! Why even bother having a flamethrower? Bonus stupid: FIRE DOESN’T BOUNCE!
Also, why am I even bothering with saving the princess. They don’t even show her at the beginning of the game, though I suppose as a fat Italian plumber, I shouldn’t expect her to be hot. And it’s not like these turtle guys and mushroom things look like terrorists or anything. If only there was at least some blood when I kill them, or if they were robots and would explode. Am I saving the world or a hot babe? It’s like there’s no motivation for me to bother playing the game at all.
Anyway, I gave up once I got to the water level. The physics were just so dumb. If the controller at least had a second d-pad (or better yet, dual analog sticks), I could swim down or to either side instead of just swimming up or slowly falling down to the left or right.
I give this game 1 “The History Channel: Battle for the Pacific” out of 10 on the CoD/FPS scale of gaming. Later, newbs.