GMZ #4 – Adoption, Back Hair, and an Exclusive Ninja Turtle Interview
Slippy Toad adopts African child
By Pigma Dengar
Slippy Toad, celebrity engineer and autist extraordinaire, still leeching onto the worn out trends of A-listers before him (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Captain Commando), recently revealed his new adopted child from the African Congo, who Slippy has decided to name “Linus,” after the Linus Torvalds, the creator of Linux. Slippy has since taken Linus on several public shopping trips, a day at the zoo, and to a picnic in south east Cornerian Fields district of Corneria.
Several critics are saying Mr. Toad only adopted the child to attract publicity, especially since the lack of buzz since he came out as bisexual 5 years ago. While some believe Slippy is begging for the spotlight, he confided to The Corneria Gazette that he “really just wanted someone who will appreciate [him] more than the rest of the world does.” Well, be it for publicity, or to make up for emotional neglect, many feel the child is being used as a ploy. But will being a doll for the cameras be an improvement over the impoverished life in Africa? Only time will tell.
Robotnik to create a new line of fully automated facial hair trimmersBy Theodore Eey
Robotics expert and industrial advocate, Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik, has announced a new line of full automated trimmers for facial, head, and body hair. “The trimmers are designed with a pair of fiber optic lenses that attach to the trimmer-boy’s brain,” says Robotnik, “The robot then reads the images, and manually trims the hair to the length you set before you start.”
The whole initiative was sparked when Robotnik, late last summer, was spotted on the beach sporting large masses of unkempt body hair to complement his large mustache. After being mocked in mass media for months, Robotnik began working on on automated trimmers to cut his body hair as a solution. When asked whether the robots will have any advantage to just manually trimming, Ivo responded “Of course they will. They allow you to trim places that are hard to see. And hard to reach. Private. Places.”
Robotnik’s line of new trimmers is expected to be out by fall of 2014, and will contain at least 4 models.
Michelangelo: The Exclusive InterviewBy Howard Bow
From the late 80s to the early 90s, all the cool kids had one of two TV idols: if it wasn’t Bart Simpson, it was Michelangelo. Ever the party dude, I sat down with him for this exclusive interview at his home where I found him seated behind a large desk.
HB – First of all, let me thank you for sitting down with me. I was a huge fan as kid, so it’s an honour.
M – It’s my pleasure, man, but we’ll have to be quick. I have a couple of pizzas in the oven.
HB – That’s fine. Now, I guess I need to follow up immediately with a comment on your appearance. It is… much different from what the public is used to seeing.
M – Yeah, I’m totally bodacious and tubular now.
HB – Yes, apparently. Is this why you were kicked out of the group?
M – No way brah. I left those losers. Got tired of them harshing my buzz, ya know. Real downers. Especially Leo and Don. Raph was always cool (I miss you bro), but his replacement, Galileo, that guy is a real drag.
HB – You mention buzz. Do you still take drugs?
M – Only the natural, recreational stuff, like pot, hash, shrooms, and PCP. No prescriptions junk. That stuff is totally not gnarly.
HB – So you are no longer following the advice of your doctors? Were you diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and a bunch of others?
M – Dude, that stuff is just lies invented by psychiatrists. It’s a racket man. Those people are dangerous. I got lucky though. Some of my Hollywood buddies, Tommy and Johnny in particular, got to me before those quacks killed me. They’ve really helped me clean up my life.
HB – Wait… you’re a scientologist?
M – Absolutely, man. L. Ron was way cool. As soon as I started following his teachings, The Way to Happiness, dropping the meds, cutting out all of the negative influences in my life, like those losers Leo, Don, and April, and just taking the courses, things just got better and better with my life. I’m a happier, healthier dude. I’m down to a size 68 waist!
HB – I don’t know what to say. You know April and I work together, right?
M – Yeah, she got into drugs pretty hard after Raph died. I comforted her a lot. Tried to fill the hole left by Raph, if you get my meaning, dude?
HB – I hope I don’t.
M – You know you do, brah. Anyway, she couldn’t handle The Mike, but I’m glad she seems ok now. We did a lot of drugs for a while there.
HB – Uh, ok. How do you feel about your friend Raphael’s death now? It’s been nearly ten years. Do you still feel responsible?
M – Dang, I can still see it, man. The Adder Room. That alley. Him convulsing with me, April, and Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers looking on helpless. But no, I don’t blame myself. That could’ve been any of us, you know.
It’s at this point that two things happens. A bell is heard coming from another room, announcing that Michelangelo’s pizza is ready and that the interview is essentially over. As he gets up, it is only then that I realise that he had been completely nude during the entirety of the interview. I manage to get him to answer one last question by blurting out in shock:
HB – Wh-why are you naked?
M – Nothing can contain The Mike. Cowabunga, dude.