GMZ – Breaking News – Job Posting
Wanna work for GMZ? Here’s your once in a lifetime opportunity!
Job Title – Web / Software / Sys Admin / Fluffer / Janitor / Receptionist / Graphic Designer / Horse White Glover / Researcher / Writer / Gopher / Gerbil / Editor / Office Manager / Au Pair
Given our audience and the job at hand (we are asking you to do absolutely all of the work we do), this could potentially be the most competitive position we ever hire for. We’re looking for a “everything mentioned in the job title” to join our small family. We’re a team of over 100 people that essentially run GMZ proper, the online store, the abortion clinic, GMZX (the GMZ Expo), GMZXXX (the GMZ Adult Entertainment Expo), the Church of GMZ ministries and missions, the GMZ Center for Disease Propagation and Vivisection, GMZTV, and a bunch of smaller things that we don’t want the government to ever hear about. We rely heavily on outside partners, vendors, government kickbacks, and unpaid freelancers, but as far as anything else that needs to be done, we want to rely on one person so we can fire everyone else and make even more money. That person is you.
So yes, we want to run lean. Most of you would say definitely TOO lean, but being pushed to your limit, then shoved way beyond your limit just so the owners can see how far you’ll go before you’re driven to suicide is definitely part of the job. We’re not saying that to try and scare you away OR impress you, but it’s in both of our best interests (though mostly ours) to understand and set expectations properly. If you have boundless energy, enjoy being abused and having your superiors expect more from you than is humanly possible, desire to work on both mostly tedious AND virtually never creative work but in an environment that just might ruin your life in all its facets, perhaps this is the opportunity for
We are quite literally looking for a person that can do 15 jobs (we think, we lost count, but we know it’s a lot): Web Development, Software Development, Sys Admin, general IT, babysitting, accounting, hotwiring our thermo-cumbustor for our mobile broadband RAM system, chauffeuring, and meth cooking, for us here that need help cooking meth, etc. Sorry, I know that’s the WORST, but it’s absolutely part of the gig.
So yeah, we know that’s a lot to ask of a person, but all of us here work tremendously hard to find more ways to make more money for ourselves while creating more work for you for less money, so if you’d like to be at the technical epicenter of the universe and all that’s important about it (a.k.a. GMZ) and don’t mind having absolutely no sense of work-life balance, this is the job for you.
- You need to have a crazy-person level of attention to detail.
- You need to have next to no dignity or sense of self-worth.
- Strong project management skills, organizational skills, time-management skills, origami skills, ninja skills, bo staff skills, and throat singing skills.
- A motivated self-starter who can overcome or workaround issues independently.
- Flexibility to travel up to 79% of the time.
- You should have no problems working in a creative, abusive, and offensive environment. Let us be perfectly clear and up front with you, we have nothing against homosexuals, transgendered people, as well as most religions and ethnicities. In fact, we totally know some people who are friends with those kinds of “people.” Unfortunately, some people are stupid and lame and chose to interpret things we say and do completely the wrong way. It’s not our fault. We can’t cure stupid, but fortunately, we are big enough at this point to essentially bully anyone who disagrees with us and teach them a lesson because bullies are bad.
- Flexibility adapting to deadlines, changing schedules, priorities and unpredictable events in a fast paced environment. Some staff members take a lot of recreational drugs and are very unpredictable as a result. Many also carry firearms, so like we said, unpredictable and fast paced.
- General flexibility. If you aren’t already, you might want to start some yoga classes immediately. You will likely be asked to do… things.
- The ability to communicate and work well in a team environment as well as on an individual basis, especially the latter since we plan to fire a bunch of people with your hiring.
- Must have the ability to prioritize tasks and balance the immediate and long term needs. Our needs become your needs and they are your priority. Your needs become secondary, possibly tertiary. We can discuss this aspect after you sign your contract.
- You should have no problem appearing on camera, possibly even nude.
- It’s rarely we call on it, but if something breaks in the middle of the night, you are expected to be on call to address that issue 24/7. In other words, you need to be ready to do whatever we want, whenever we want. Daniel calls you at 4 AM because he’s too strung out to drive his hooker home: you have to be ready. Pierre texts you to come over right away because “this show is boring and the remote is way over there”: hop on your Vespa and get there ASAP!
Some things you should know about this job.
We’re terrible at work-life balance, but don’t worry, after a few weeks here your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/life-partner will leave you and you’ll completely forget about your “friends,” which is great because you’ll soon forget all about the people that only held you back and will thus be able to spend the little time you took to think about them doing even more work for us. Also, if you enter a room, hear the door lock behind you, and feel the temperature rising, don’t panic and call the police. This happened with several employees who are no longer with us under non-suspicious circumstances and we can assure you that we aren’t aliens and you are not slowly being cooked. We cannot stress this enough.
And here are some other things we’re using to weed people out. It’s not fair. I know. Life’s not fair.
- A BA/BS or greater degree in Computer Science, Kinesiology, Theoretical Physics, Applied Molecular Thermodynamics, Massage Therapy, Acupuncture, Neonatal Intensive Care, Cheese Appreciation, or Toad Sexing.
- A minimum of 3 years in development and project management, preferably in a professional workplace.
- Strong experience in one of Java, Python, Fawlty Towers, Ruby, Sapphire, or other object-oriented language.
- A history of running and configuring multiple-server environments, including load balancers, flux-capacitors, web accelerators and decelerators/caching systems, databases, metabases, and all your bases.
- A history of running and configuring multiple server environments, load balancers, and varnish.
- A history of violence.
- You should probably be a fan of GMZ. Probably. Yeah.
Compensation and Benefits
- Annual Salary: Negotiable, but you should know up front we’re not a terribly money-motivated group. I mean, our employees aren’t. We, the owners, want to make as much damn money as possible. We’re more likely to spend less money on salary and invest that on making our own day-to-day life better.
- Full Medical, Vision and Dental. Trust us, you’re gonna need it.
- 401k (SEP) retirement contributions (2% of annual income per year).
- 420q (GMZ) owners’ Jacuzzi contributions (13% of annual income).
- Holiday pay. I think we’re, like, legally required to offer this.
- Not terribly periodic bonuses.
- Flexible vacation time. You’ll have so little, so we don’t care when you take it, as long as it doesn’t coincide with our one busy period which usually spans from the third week of May to the first week of May.
- We’re willing to relocate you if need be.
- We’re also willing to “relocate” anyone who wishes to prevent you from working for us.
You can post your resume in the comments or email to GMZjournalism@gmail.com. Make sure to include your name, phone number, address, social insurance number, bank information, and mother’s maiden name. If you don’t submit your resume, your name will not be place in the Human Resources Manager’s sorting hat.