GMZ

GMZ #10 – Hip-Hop, Suicide, and Shadows of the (Asian) Empire

[ Editor's Note: Typically, GMZ posts on Mondays. This edition is posting on a Tuesday, which makes it late. This is entirely my fault, and I apologize to our readers.

But in my defense, I was actually preparing GMZ's latest edition for publication when one of their office cats got loose. They made me, of all people, go chase after it. "We're all too busy! But you're the editor," they sneered, "You don't actually do any real work!" Jerks.

And, seriously, you have no idea what a stupid, worthless, soul-sucking exercise it is, spending all afternoon and night hunting down a dumb cat. I was not only questioning the direction my life has taken me, but whether or not that life was worth living anyway.

So, whatever. Call me a good-for-nothing editor all you want, guys, but this is what you get when you make the editor play gopher for your feline hellspawn. Go ahead, see if I go after the next animal you let loose, see what happens, I dare ya. -- Bailey. ]

The Mighty Have Fallen

By B. Byrd

Former video game and TV star and current indie musician “Mighty” Max Schelzi was found dead with two stab wounds in his chest, one with the knife still stuck in it.

Mighty Max

The incident occurred when Schelzi and his long time girlfriend, Jessica, got in an argument over the significance of the Polly Pocket toy line in pop-culture. Jessica locked herself in the bathroom to “rub one out,” when she heard screams from the living room. After running out of the bedroom, she found Max on the floor with the knife in his chest. After the ambulance arrived, Max Schelzi was taken to the hospital where he was pronounced dead two hours later.

Max was found with a note reading,

“I’m so sorry—love, Max. God forgive me.”

The coroner believed that the death was a suicide, but hasn’t ruled out the possibility of homicide, leading to much fan speculation. The police have stated the investigation is ongoing.

Schelzi has been performing under his stage name “Might Max” as an indie musician, and gained much prominence after his music was featured during a pivotal moment in the film “The Loyal Renenbaums” in 2001. He has been a prominent figure in the alternative music scene since.

 

“Flowing Red” – Surprisingly not Menstruation

By Charmy Bee

Knuckles the Echidna, or as he is known by his fellow Mobi-Clique members, K-Nuk, is set to release his new album “Flowing Red” on March 10th, 2014. Knuckles said of the album, “Ya know, it’s gonna step on some toes, and it’s gonna make some beefs, but it’s my story. It’s true, so if anyone wants to hate on it, they can do it to my face.”

Knuckles Album final

After a widely publicized feud with Yoshi the Dinosaur from rap group Eggxecution, the two rappers formally ended the feud with Yoshi inviting Knuckles to his Miami beach house. “Basically,” Yoshi tells, “I called up P-Rock and said ‘Hey, tell K that he and I should cut the shit. Tell him he can come to my place this weekend and we can hash it out, and bury this bullshit.”

The following three days in the beach house ended up becoming a writing session between Knuckles and Yoshi, where they wrote the song “Civil War feat. Yoshi,” the lead single off of Knuckles upcoming track. “I realized that, maybe me and Yosh don’t see eye to eye on everything, but we’re on the same team in this fight, so it makes no sense to spend our time trying to kill each other,” said Knuckles, in an interview with Rolling Stone two months ago.

“Flowing Red” has already been announced as achieving gold sales just via pre-orders. Following the album’s release, Knuckles will be going on a limited tour in the U.S.

 

Brave Whistleblower Ben Kuchera Exposes Truth About Asians

By B.E. Gott

Since everyone was so intent on bigot shaming poor Ben Kuchera earlier this week, courtesy of his failed Bitcoin joke where he implied that the fact it was created by a “shadowy Asian” should have tipped everyone off that investing was a bad idea, most people seemed to have missed the most important thing about his tweet.

Listen, Ben is a paragon of games journalism. He’s the damn senior editor of opinions at Polygon, who, along with GMZ, are the modern day saviours not only of games journalism, but also journalism as a whole. So, as an ultra literate and well educated man of the world, when he uses a word like “shadowy,” we must assume that he isn’t just blindly tweeting words without ever giving the slightest thought to their meaning, connotations, and how they might be seen and interpreted by others. He has always shown himself to be a kind, sensitive, and reasonable man, perfectly attuned to his large and very deserved Internet audience. Thus, when he uses the word “shadowy,” we must presume that someone as erudite as he chose his words carefully. Yes, there is a racist tradition surrounding the use of such words in reference to Asians, but Ben is a paragon of tolerance and love, so he must have used the word for a reason, right?

That reason, the one everyone missed because they are liberal PC-fascists, is that it was the only word (except for, maybe, “shady,” but the left wing zealots would have started their witchhunt of intolerance for that one too) he could use to say to the world what he wanted. And what was he saying to the world, exactly?

Asians cast shadows.

Asians cast shadows? Did you know that? I sure as hell didn’t. How long has this been going on? Are our children safe? When did they develop the technology? Did the Russians leak them the technical specs for a Shadow Reactor? I decided to investigate.

GMZ told me to leave no stone unturned and that money wasn’t an issue when it came to investigating this story, so I googled a few names and here’s what I found:

DOCU_GRUPO SHIGERU MIYAMOTO

Inafune

Suda

Before you panic, wait, because it gets worse: it appears they’ve already developed a model for buildings too! Below is a picture of Nintendo’s Japanese headquarters, casting an ominous, and very shadowy shadow.

Nintendo Headquarters

There you have it. Irrefutable evidence. GMZ has confirmed that not only can Asians cast shadows, but their buildings can as well. It is unclear how they came about to having shadow casting capabilities, but that’s a job for the U.N. investigators.