GMZ #13 – UNBiased Journalism, Raiden’s New Show, and Nuzlocking
Why the WATCH_DOGS/Nexus 7 Tablet Controversy is No Big Deal
By Compère Corporativa
So apparently, Ubisoft gave a bunch of journalists at a Watch Dogs preview event in the UK a free Google Nexus tablet a couple of weeks ago. People on Twitter and in the comments on the outlets who reported about this got pretty upset. Our very own UK correspondent, Nigel Sheepbottom, was at the event and confirmed that not only did they try to give him the tablet, but he also received a bag, which he left at the event, filled with pink Crayola crayons, a hentai colouring book, marijuana cookies, a jar of marmite, personal lubricant, and, most bizarrely, a Pikachu blow-up sex-doll.
Now, dear readers, you do not need to worry. Once we found out about this, we immediately fired Mr. Sheepbugger. He was given free things by a well-intentioned developer. Refusing their generous gift was disrespectful and we do not wish to employ such people at GMZ. It appears some people, including Mr. Ovinecopulator, were worried their journalistic integrity might have been questioned had they kept the gifts. The notion itself is silly. Why, I myself have received many gifts from developers over the years as I attended various gaming events meant to give journalists a sneak peek at games before launch, and not once has it influenced how I ultimately reviewed the game. When I attended an Atari organized event for their E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial game in late 1982, every person present received a the excellent and highly appreciated item below:
This gift, however, did not in any way influence my review of the game once it was released. I gave E.T. an 8.9 out of 10 back then and I still stand by that score.
A few years later, EA held an event for journalists in L.A. in order to let us get our hands on their next big game. The event was a lot of fun, we all got to meet Shaq, and everyone got to go home with one of these:
So, even though I got a sweet-ass pager and that Shaq Fu was by far the best 16-bit fighter on any system, I only gave the game a 9.7 instead of a perfect 10 because I thought the music could’ve been a bit better.
Finally in early 2000, when Daikatana was nearing its release date, Ion Storm held a small event in a Dallas skyscraper. We didn’t get any cool swag though. It mostly seemed like the event was held solely so John Romero could talk to us about his hair. It was weird. A few months later, I gave the game a well deserved 10/10.
I got fired shortly after that review. The editor in chief told me I was just a really shitty reviewer. It’s too bad though, I would’ve loved to review Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing and Aliens: Colonial Marines. Those games were awesome. Also, I heard journalists got truck balls and Alien-themed dildos, complete with extendable “mouth alien” at events for those games.
Colbert leaves Comedy Central, Raiden announced as successor
by Ston Jewart
Raiden takes over as successor to Stephen Colbert – With Stephen Colbert’s heavily publicized departure to end his reign on The Colbert Report, and take over for David Letterman on CBS, much thought has even put into what will take over Stephen Colbert’s 11:30 time slot. This morning, it was announced that Jack “Raiden” Callahan, of Metal Gear Solid fame, would take over the 30 minute slot with a similar show. “The show is gonna be similar to Colbert’s, but it will be a little more harsh and provocative, and I think Jack will bring a more fiery, youthful passion to it,” states Comedy Central representative John D. Filkin. The show, under the title “The O’Raiden Factor”, will follow Stephen Colbert’s outline for satire of Hard-Right Conservative Punditry, but, as Raiden says, “It will make better use of Social Media, iTunes, Netflix, and Young Adult/Teen fiction novels than [The Colbert Report] did.”
We wish Raiden, the folks at Comedy Central, Stephen Colbert, and Jon Stewart (weeping into his pile of money over the loss of Stephen) all the best.
Nuzlocking: New Sex Craze among Youth
by Mark Bettersburg
Recently, Sean Hannity’s week long coverage of Spring Break trends shocked the nation, as Fox broadcasted never before seen events like college kids drinking, smoking, having sex, and being obnoxious. But now, GMZ is here to bring you the most astonishing trend sweeping the youth population: Nuzlocking.
Nuzlocking is a gratuitous sex act in which a person uses their nose to penetrate a woman’s vagina. This act is said to have been adapted from Nuzleaf (a Pokémon) mating rituals, thus the name of the act. Nuzlocking has become not only a trend for the bedroom, but common occurrence to be publicized over social media, YouTube, or even live-streamed. Such popular content producers as ProJared, TheKingNappy, and Super Best Friends have all broadcasted their Nuzlocking escapades.
“It’s really becoming a plague on the youth. Doctors are now having to test for nose herpes,” said GMZ health consultant Dr. Mario. Satoshi Tajiri, creator of Pokémon, had this to say: “I am sad to see that a creation of mine is being used in such a degrading way. This was not what I had hoped for the reputation of Nuzleaf kind. But, on the other hand, it feels pretty good.”