GMZ #14 – Fun and Whimsy, Trash and Treasure, Beaches and Bodies
Nintendo Decides to Remove More Options From Tomodachi Life
By Homer Foebier
Apparently not satisfied to just let their apology for their extremely poorly worded explanation as to why Tomodachi Life will not have same-sex relationships have any form of calming effect on its fans, Nintendo has announced that many more options will also be unavailable.
“As we said in regards to gay relationships, we aren’t trying to make any form of social commentary here. We’re just looking to broaden our approach and continue developing fun games that will delight and surprise players,” said a Nintendo of America spokesperson. “As we’ve said before, Tomodachi life was intended to be a whimsical and quirky game, and as such we are removing several more options from the game.”
“We assume people will express their religion in one way or another,” he continued. “However, we feel that certain religions should be barred from the game; therefore, ultra-Orthodox Jews, Muslims, Jains, Roman Catholics, Mormons, Anabaptists, Sikhs, Baptists, Calvinists, and Quakers will not be allowed to express their religious beliefs in any fashion, since these religions aren’t fun. Scientology will be ok because frankly, they scare us. Every other religion will also be allowed.”
“There are also lifestyle choices that will be removed. Vegetarianism and veganism will not be tolerated. Those people are always obnoxious about their dietary choices, and that isn’t fun, even though it is a little quirky. Fandoms will be allowed, and yes, this includes Directioners and Beliebers, unfortunately.”
“Finally, white people will no longer be an option, as we’ve discovered that though some of them may be quirky, white people just aren’t whimsical. It’s the opposite problem with black people, so they’re out too. Arabs, Indians, and indigenous peoples can be both quirky and whimsical, but they just aren’t fun. As a result, the only option will be Asian (but not Indian). None of this is meant be social commentary though. Finally, women in the game will have to be obedient and compliant to the male avatars. It’s just not fun to be friendzoned, and Tomodachi Life is meant to be fun.”
What They Really Found at the Alamogordo Landfill
By Ballin’ N. Kushnell
We all know they found some E.T. cartridges and a bunch of other, rather popular games for some reason. We’ve seen the pictures. We are not here to claim that these things didn’t happen and invoke the law of conspiracy preservation. No, we’re here to tell you about the things they found but didn’t want you to see. Three of them in particular.
1 – Atari 8-Track Peripheral
We’ve all seen, or at least heard of the great double-ender 8-track games for the 2600 like Foghat – Live, Rush – Permanent Waves, and Kenny Rogers – Tha Gambler. A few of them were actually decent games, but this isn’t what I’m talking about. With the popularity of 8-tracks in the 70s and cassettes having already been used as storage media for all kinds of things, including video games, in 1982, Atari decided to invest in a the development of an add-on that would allow gamers to play games stored on 8-tracks. Apparently, they decided to scrap the idea at some point and destroy the evidence.
As you can see, the adaptor would’ve been placed into the normal cartridge slot like any other game, but it has a “door” on the front where an 8-track cassette would’ve been inserted. This could’ve let the 2600 have massive games, since 8-tracks could store nearly 1.5G of data.
2 – The 2600 Brainscanner
Long before Nintendo released the doomed Virtual Boy, Atari tried, but failed to launch, their very own “VR” helmet peripheral. Dubbed the “Brainscanner,” work on the project was started in 1979, but then the release of the 1981 Cronenberg classic “Scanners” and several bugs in the hardware meant that it was initially delayed temporarily, then permanently shelved. No known games were ever developed for it beyond the very basic protoype stage.
3 – A Bizarre Collection of Classified Government Documents
Many people were surprised to see lots of paper mixed in the cartridges and hardware unearthed during the dig, but not enough to have a look at what was written on the paper. Before several black helicopters left with most of the paper, one of our reporters present at the dig managed to slip some into his bag.
Most of it looks like boring, old government reports about nothing interesting. However, a few pages were handwritten and entirely in code. We had our resident cryptologist look at it and even though most of it is so decomposed that it is practically illegible, she was able to make out some words: MKUltra, LSD, torture, ARTICHOKE, GMZ, Fidel Castro, KUBARK, Midnight Climax, Cthulhu, mind control, BZ, Subproject 119, and Daniel Lamplugh.
Samus Aran Beach Body
By Yoshi-Row Saki-Motoe
Definitely not photoshopped
Famed mercenary and galaxy defender, Samus Aran was spotted on the beaches of SR388 in her stylish yet functional Zero Suit. Though, Samus’ stomach, arms, and legs showed notable scarring, suggesting that maybe Samus’ beach body wasn’t natural after all, and that she had some work done. Some suggested that the marks are battle scars after the renowned bounty hunter’s campaign against the deadly race of aliens known as Metroids. Though, that explanation makes almost too much sense, and I trust it about as much as I trust Quebec. Which is to say, not at all.
When questioned on the scene at SR388 by one of our reporters, Samus’ only defense was “ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?! GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOU DIE YOU NUTCASE REPORTER! THERE ARE METROIDS EVERYWHERE AND I CAN’T PUT MY LIFE ON THE LINE TO KEEP YOU SAFE!”. Way to dodge the issue Aran. Your story seems to be falling apart at the seams.