GMZ #1 – The Gritty Reboot – Golden Pong, Social Justice Warriors, and Sega Secession
Michael Vick Elected to Best Athletes in Video Games Hall of Fame, Awarded Golden Pong
By Clayton Shefter
Just over a decade after Vick accumulated 500+ combined yards in passing and rushing with ease in Madden 04, Vick received what he calls “the highest honor of my career,” the 2014 recipient of the Golden Pong. Not known for his emotions, a teary-eyed Michael Vick thanked the college and NFL defenses he dominated in the early 2000s and EA Sports for bestowing on him super-human ratings on the one football game where he graced the cover.
“I remember walking my dogs and a kid stopped me on the corner from my mansion in Atlanta,” Vick said, “and he said to me how he pwned his newb cousin for over 400 yards rushing.” After choking up for a second, Vick continued, “He told me I was cooler than Brett Favre because I was better in Madden. That is when I knew I had made it in the league. I grew up idolizing Randall Cunningham in Tecmo Bowl. He was the prototype for the dual threat football game quarterback, and that made him cooler than Joe Montana.” Vick’s ratings included a 95 speed, 97 acceleration, 90 elusiveness, and 98 throwing power. Vick was faster than nearly every player in the game and could toss massive bombs with ease.
Vick’s statue, a 250 foot icon of pure gold and emblazoned with the EA Sports and Madden 04 logos, now sits with other sports video game immortals like Jeremy Roenick (NHL ’94), Lawrence Taylor (Tecmo Super Bowl), Mike Tyson (Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!), and, of course, the first ever member of the Best Athletes in Video Games Hall of Fame, Bo Jackson (Tecmo Bowl).
Social Justice Warriors Leaked
By Béatrice Tremblay – Québec Correspondent
While the ongoing “debate” rages on in the gaming world, GMZ has obtained some leaked information about a collaborative project between some game journalists and well-known developer KOEI. The two groups have been spotted meeting in the Feminist Gaming Illuminati Canadian Headquarters (right across the street from Ubisoft Montréal, Québec), dark alleyways, and abandoned factories working on what is apparently a video game that will cast some of the web’s most renowned activists/journalists.
It is no secret that most gaming websites have maintained a favorable relationship with the Japanese developer mostly known for its Dynasty Warriors and Romance of the Three Kingdom series. The above average scores given by critics are proof of this relationship, especially the critically biased review of Dynasty Warriors 8 by Jim Sterling. Lately, Tecmo Koei have multiplied crossover games (Hyrule Warriors, Mary Kate and Ashley – Sweet Vengeance, Feudal Japan Trade Route of Rage, Pokémon Conquest, Rocket Samurai Adventures, Crash Bandicoot vs. the Skylanders, High School Musical – The Last War Cry, Dynasty Gundam, Denny’s Champions’ Quest for Breakfast, Nobunaga’s Ambition) and with the recent announcement of a Dragon Quest collaboration, it was just a matter of time until the jump to the social media world.
Although the information obtained by our reporters is limited, GMZ can confirm that the game will be named : Social Justice Warriors. Similar to classic Dynasty Warriors game, the player will have his choice of protagonist (leaked roster on the right).
The player will then have to embark on a crusade against gaming as a whole, oppressing his enemies, the innocent MRA clan, with his weapon of choice. Although not confirmed, it appears the brush, the fingerstick and the “free” lance will be part of the armory. The scenario will likely include many renowned battles such as the Sarkeesian Invasion, the Quinnspiracy, the Ad blockade, the battle at Fort Chang Community, and the now famous Anime Avatar Offensive, inspired by the historic Trojan Horse. All of these will eventually lead to the final battle: Clash at the Gamer Gate. The ultimate objective leading to the complete and permanent obliteration of all video games.
There will also be boss fights against Fedora Giants, neckbeard-trolls, Yutubors, and the final battle against renowned GMZ tyrant and GamerGate leader Daniel Lamplugh. The game will also feature a moral choices system giving you the possibility to unlock power-ups faster by submitting to your personal Patrion, in exchange for a part of your soul.
No information has been obtained as far as release dates and platforms go, but the game is planned to obtain a 93% aggregate review score. 4Chan and Reddit have been contacted but have refused to comment on the rumors.
Sega of America attempts to secede from Sega International
By M. Arakawa
John Cheng, announced Tuesday, that Sega of America would be seeking to secede from Sega Corporation. Cheng, in a statement to SOA employees, said, “Sega of America has the largest Sonic deposits of all three branches of Sega, and yet, Japan still refuses to listen to us. It’s like our capital doesn’t even matter to them.” Sega of Japan declined to comment, preferring instead to form a large group huddle and laugh at Cheng’s proclamation.
Sega of Europe and Sega of Korea both refused to offer official statements, but Yasutaka Sato, Sega of Korea’s president offered his “sincere hopes” that Sega of America triumphed, in an off-the-record statement to his old friend and former Sega employee, Wonder Boy.
Alex Kidd has stated that, should Sega of America secede, he’d be open to working with them, in an effort to “stick it to the Hatsune Miku jerking, Sushi pounding, Hentai reading, Pocky throating, Ramune drinking ninja bitches.”
The vote on the secession is set to proceed on Thursday, following the Sega executives morning cocain buffet and breakfast bar’s closure.