Happy New Year, 1MoreCastlites!
And welcome to 2015, a year I’ll happily start with reviewing a game by one of the most respected game developers out there. I’m talking, of course, about Color Dreams and their more religious branch Wisdom Tree.
LJN got nothin’ on these guys.
In all fairness, while many Wisdom Tree games are little more than inferior reskins (the one I’m about to talk about is a Boulder Dash clone) or thinly veiled Bible classes, I’ve found a few of them to be surprisingly playable, even enjoyable in a weird way. They’re usually flawed, yes, but not throw-out-of-the-window awful either.
And even if they are that bad: they are amusingly so.
Last year, I ended on Lethal Weapon, an unlikely Christmas movie, and now, with Ridley Scott taking on the story of Moses with his new blockbuster Exodus: Gods And Kings, I thought I’d revisit the NES’s take on Exodus by reviewing a game called just that.
I did review Super Noah’s Ark 3D earlier this year and that was crazy fun, so let’s see if Exodus can match the same level of entertainment that game had to offer.
Oh shhh– I mean… good!
A puzzle game!
I do love reviewing those. It’s always an easy, fruitful task: no story, completely surreal setting…
Luckily, I have seen Prince Of Egypt and the Exodus trailer so I know my Bible stories pretty well and, therefore, can probably interpret this abstract-looking game appropriately.
After all, if the dude who made that Tom Cruise unicorn movie can talk about Moses, why can’t I?
(don’t answer that)
Alright, so based on the screenshot above, I’m going to assume that Moses’ task is, roughly, to pick up big white bags with the letter “M” on them without bumping into any enemies. The M bags in question, I’m guessing are not filled with money since Moses wasn’t exactly known as the Robin Hood (or the Alex Kidd) of Egypt back in the day and the Bible rarely rewards stealing anything, let alone dough.
Then again, Ridley Scott did also direct Robin Hood…
And Moses did help the poor.
Never mind, I know Myrrh was a thing back in the day so I’m gonna settle on Myrrh bags. Moses likes Myrrh and he needs it, a lot of it. For Myrrh-related functions and such. Apparently, he also needs Gauntlet II-style potions and, for lack of imagination, I’m also going to confirm that those contain liquid Myrrh because I really like writing the word “Myrrh”.
The enemies Moses will face, clearly, are goateed Jedis.
Or, to be more specific:
That dude from Farscape.
Why does Bialar Crais (yes, he has a name) and his clones hate Moses so much?
The short answer?
Moses is Myrrh’s number 1 fan and that’s the one thing the Bialar Crais run on. One shot of good Myrrh could keep a Bialar going for a good 5 hours so it’s no wonder they were rather protective of it.
Do tell me if I’m going off track, by the way.
I wouldn’t want to be inaccurate.
So Moses, if I’m understanding correctly, was the first “blade runner.” Hunting down Bialar Crais replicants no matter what, shooting the letter “W” at them until they exploded.
Because those are not W’s, they are W-shaped anti-Myrrh.
Anti-Myrrh, I seem to recall from my high school biology class, is like anti-matter only for Myrrh. Not only does it not taste very nice at all (it’s kinda tangy) but it toys with your molecular structure, especially if you are mostly a robot. Which would explain the exploding side-effect.
Look, I’m not scientist, I’m merely a theorist but I stand by my factless truths.
Too much anti-Myrrh, I believe, can have negative effects akin to that Lord Of The Rings ring and turn even the saintliest prophet to the Dark Side.
Luckily, the cure for an anti-Myrrh overdose is more Myrrh so he should be fine soon enough.
The Force is strong with this one, he’ll pull through.
Moses has a lot to worry about in this game including Oompa Loompas and a whole bunch of grass.
Thankfully, it is fun to blast walls with anti-Myrrh in this game but it just feels like pointless busy work most of the time. Like, why can’t I just go fight these guys on the right? Is it really necessary to force me to destroy an entire rainforest (a lot of those in Egypt, by the way) to get to them? And what’s with those big biscuits at the top of the screen? Do I really need to bother with them?
So many questions…
It’s anti-Myrrh time: those Oompa Loompas are toast!
Throughout the game, you are asked Bible questions to keep you on your toes. Probably because the game’s so random you’ll probably forget you’re playing a Bible game seconds into it so Wisdom Tree thought they should remind you every so often.
It wasn’t the Aztecs.
Here’s one of my favourite questions:
I chuckled at first reading the third answer but, it turns out, that’s the right one.
The more questions you answer correctly, the more Bibles you receive, I should point out.
Couldn’t I just stay at like 9 different hotel rooms and run out without paying with a briefcase full of bibles instead of sitting there answering those questions poorly?
Those places have towels, tiny shampoos and mini bars!
Exodus is a lot like The Godfather: Part II and here’s why (best phrase ever): Moses’ story moves forward but we also get a peek at what came before. It’s a prequel of sorts.
Gotta love that tiny pyramid and Sphinx in the background.
Just in case you forgot this whole thing was set in Egypt.
The controls in the game are very simple, the game is aimed at kids after all, and it is overall harmless enough. The music and sound effects are fun, the puzzle aspect has something of an addictive quality to it and the graphics, while basic, work fine. Good luck with some of those questions if you haven’t read and re-read the Bible, though, as they’re not all super easy.
I wouldn’t go as far as to recommend it when there are some must-play hilarious Noah’s Ark games to sink your teeth into out there but if you happen to try it, it’s unlikely you’ll hate it. Besides, it still has its entertainingly clumsy Bible-meets-gaming moments I’ll always cherish:
So THAT’S what that golden idol in the first screenshot was all about: Moses was a replicant too this entire time! But an advanced model, like a Nexus-10. Which would explain his resilience to anti-Myrrh, which should have vaporised him but didn’t. Those goateed space clone androids are really done for now!
No way a run-of-the-mill Farscape Nexus-9 replicant could ever win in a fight against an army of robotic, purple, Myrrh-crazy Dark Side Moses.
Time to reload, methinks.
A lot of Myrrh.