Remastered Review: N64 Review #6 – Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue
Sometimes the timing of things is funny. As you know by now (hopefully) we just had an amazing Review a Great Game Day. As you may also know, or else are about to hear about, we have a second game review holiday here at 1 More Castle called Review a Bad Game Day. You’ll hear more about that one in the coming weeks. I mention it, though, because the next game in my project to unite my original eight Nintendo 64 reviews with the rest of the project is a review that happened to fall on Review a Bad Game Day. As a fun side note, this was also the day I started a really bad job. From August 8, 2013, my review of Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue.
Welcome to one of my favorite days of the year! That’s right, it is once again Review a Bad Game Day (RABGD)! This annual event brings together lovers and haters of games from all corners of the internet for one glorious day of paying homage to our least favorite games. This one is indisputably bad. This is a game that they make prisoners play until they give up all of the information they know. It is a game that mothers play in front of their fussy newborns to put them to sleep. It is a game that children are forced to play in detention. I am, of course, talking about the horrendously unplayable Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue.
Where do I begin with this steaming pile of game? Let’s start with minor flaws and work our way up. Have you ever watched an episode of any of the Power Rangers series? Did you often see them fighting exclusively by themselves? Well, you will here because you only ever get to control one Ranger at a time. The stages are bad but not terrible. The characters control halfway, no one quarter decent and it is honestly the least objectionable thing about the game. Remember how in the TV show, the Rangers were flipping and flying all around the screen and doing all manner of kung fu? Well, in this game you can walk and fire projectiles. On the bright side, at least you have hand drawn cutscenes that look they were drawn by a class full of 1st graders. Go, go Power Rangers indeed.
There are vehicle levels that have you controlling a single zord and these will make your nose spontaneously bleed. Each zord is nearly uncontrollable and they all have some shooting mechanism but good luck aiming it. You would have an easier time threading a needle while riding a dune buggy through the desert. Your objective is always something dumb like put out x amount of fires or shoot X amount of toxic sludge and you generally couldn’t care less about it because the story is worse than the TV show storylines and you care even less about them once you start trying to control these awkward bumbling wads of metal. That brings me to my next point. These are supposed to be zords but they are barely bigger than regular automobiles. You’re supposed to combine them to form the mighty Megazord.
Ahh yes, the Megazord fight levels. You know, I consider myself something of a wordsmith. I rarely am at a loss for words. The Megazord fight levels are bad beyond my vocabulary. I suppose I will have to invent a word to properly describe the magnitude of the awfulness of the Megazord levels. That word is trashtazmagorical. The Megazord levels are trashtazmagorical. As bad as the rest of this games controls, these levels make them seem graceful by comparison. Attacking is impossible, blocking is horrendous, and trying to maneuver Megazord is more frustrating than trying to argue with YouTube commenters. The saddest part is that they made an entire game mode that is exclusively Megazord battles for your inner masochist.
How about those visuals, folks? Finally, someone made a game for the visually impaired. I know a lot of the N64 graphics haven’t aged well, but this sucked even for then. The Rangers looked horrible, the enemies were lazily slapped together and the zords were just colored blocks, shapeless and lifeless. The Megazords and the enlarged monsters just looked trashtazmagorical. The level design was disgusting, the worlds looked hideous, and nothing visually about this game drew you into what you were doing. Come to think of it, nothing at all drew you into what you were doing.
Do you like to have two speech samples played over and over again for an entire game? Well you are in luck! Because not only do you get that, but you get to hear the same horrible music looping for 30 freaking levels! I know, I spoil you.
The real tragedy to me is that this game has been allowed to roam the countryside free of ridicule for so long while Superman 64 took all of the heat. Don’t get me wrong now, Superman 64 is terrible, but I would dare say that this game is worse. It played like crap, it looked awful, it had a stupid story that no one would ever care about, sounded terrible, and could be beaten in under an hour. There is not a single redeeming quality about this game. It did serve me one purpose, though. It made for a very fun Review a Bad Game Day review. Go to the RABGD site and check out the other reviews of awful games. Don’t forget to plug your nose.