1 More Castle – For Dummies
Hi there! You just found this wonderful website, didn’t you? Pretty amazing, right? Now I bet you’re wondering: “How will I navigate through all this great content? I wish someone would guide me through it.”
HOW DARE YOU? How dare you ask this question, you insensitive heartless jerk? Don’t you know this site is closed/closing? Don’t you realize this is YOUR fault? All this time, you were probably thinking to yourself: “I really should find a retro gaming website with amazing content to follow, support and share, but I feel kind of tired. I’ll do it tomorrow.” You’ve done it. You waited too long and we had to close. Of course, even now you DARE ask us to guide you through the website in these dire times, while we feel so vulnerable? You just barge in here and expect us to cater to your needs after all this? Well, you know what? I will, and I hope you feel bad for it. I could be writing the greatest retrospective on the website or a tear-jerking sentimental farewell piece, but instead, I’m trying to help the dumbass who couldn’t find our website fast enough. I hope you’re satisfied. Now take your overjoyful beginner’s guide and leave me the fuck alone.
Welcome 1 More Castle rookie! I’m so glad you could join us! I hope you’re not set back by the amount of content here, this website has been running for three years! Don’t worry, I’ll help you out! With all of us to support you, I bet we’ll have three more years of fun ahead of us!
First of all, remember that you don’t have to see everything at the same time. The magic of 1 More Castle is that there’s a little bit of everything for any retro gaming enthusiast. It doesn’t matter which console you grew up with or which size your disks were, 1 More Castle is a website for everyone. Which leaves the question, what type of retrogaming enthusiast are you?
Of course, if the mere thought of retrogaming is enough to make you more excited than Link visiting the Pottery Barn for the first time, we have a few classic review series. First off, how about a little adventure in slightly obscure average game land? Paul Potvin has you covered with the Fair Shake. Not finding a slightly overlooked games that really fancies your cute and cuddly personality? Maybe William Goswick’s Pixel Gallery series will fulfill your desires. Ever heard of the monstrously cute Antarctic Adventure?
Although, if you’re looking for top quality games being reviewed, look no further than Game Overkill. People sent in the games that NEED to be played and Pierre Goguen is taking ‘em on one at a time. If you prefer to focus on specific consoles, did you know we even covered the Virtual Boy with the Virtual View series? We also have an N64 Connoisseur, the ever excellent Tom Hall who is also 2 Decades Late to the Super Nintendo. If that’s not your cup of tea, how about some Pinball Alley by Peter Skerritt or head over to the arcades to Chase some Ghosts: One Quarter at a Time with the excellent coverage of homemade MAME Cabinet emulation by Dustin Faber. Or you could join Alex Thériault’s trip through the retro games Re-released on the 3DS. And, finally, if console, pinballs and arcade aren’t your thing, you can join the PC Master Jason Lamb as he does unspeakable thing, like shove a Pi in an N64.
“But, Jonathan,” you ask, “I know all about these overlooked and slightly obscure games.” Of course you do, and, as the bad parody of a used car salesman I am, I had a little trick up my suede suit sleeves. Do you know of Japan? We have an expert in the matter, covering imports like a boss, Alana Dunitz graced us with the It Came from Japan series. Too intense? How about a little Famicom vs. Nes article to start you off?
And if that’s not exotic enough for you, how about some Europe only Mega Drive games? There’s a lot of interesting things On Her Majesty’s Sega Mega Drive according to Ben McCurry. And if you really want to know exclusive facts about retro games, look no further than Atari Poop. Did you know Pole Position was a sex game?
Okay, maybe you don’t like to go over a game in a few words. What you need is detail. Focus on little things, on every pixel that makes a game great. You need The Completist’s series by Aggro Sky. Still too general, don’t worry. You can focus on one map with Destructoid’s editor Chris Carter’s series, Map Quest. If you’re more of a “people” person, there’s Mascot Mania with Chris Carboni, Character Retrospect with Eric Congdon and even Bad Guys Anonymous with Joey Davidson. If that STILL too much of an overview, join our sporadically beloved editor in chief as he obsesses over details in Masterpiece Microscope. Who can forget that passionate love letter to Kirby’s jump animation?
“Wow there! These are WALLS of text. Do you have something that’s a little easier for someone vicariously lazy like me?” First of all, if you do enjoy retrogaming, you’re probably used to fighting walls… and floor tiles, and doors, and chairs, and other furniture. Also, of course I do. And if your fear of text has brought you to enjoy movies, check out the Retro Critic’s series of reviews. Couple of images, couple of comments, etc. There aren’t only movie related games, here’s a review of the Internet!
And if that’s still too much for you, we do have a couple of video series like the classic review series Top Shelf by the very knowledgeable Pam. If you’re looking to catch up on news, you can always follow the Retro News Roundup, by Simon Reed. Or you could discover games with Max Mitchell’s crew as they are Playing Blind. However, if you’re looking for that mix of entertainment and information, look no further than Alex Weiss’ D-Ported series. Maybe you’ll even have it in you to try out Castlevania for DOS.
“That’s cute and all, but I only follow ESTABLISHED youtubers.” Oh, you’re that kind of assh… person, are you? Lucky for you, 1 More Castle once had the chance to host series from well known content creators such as Joe Walker’s Backlog and David Lewis’ Saturnology. It even featured some articles by Norman Caruso, a.k.a The Gaming Historian and Patrick Scott Patterson! Yes! THE PSP!
If, for some reason, you loathe retrogaming and still want to enjoy your time on 1 More Castle, you’ll be happy to hear we have options for you. Let your hatred run loose and enjoy: Retro Hate. Join Joshua Caleb as he indulges in pure unfiltered hatred of some classic retrogaming concepts. You may have heard of the now infamous Mario Foot.
Litsen, I’m telling you we have everything! Tell me what you like and I’ll find something on the site for you. You like top 10s? Of course we have those, but Eric Vole managed to make them interesting with 1 More Countdown. You like interviews? Daniel Lumpugh has you covered with Queries and some great guests. You like books? There’s the Gaming Book Club. Poetry? We have Gaming Soliloquy. Magazines just like Nintendo Power? Valerie Minnich and Alex Weiss created Retro Power for your pleasure!
If you can’t get enough of Nintendo Power, we have *literally* Nintendo Power scans. You can be Playing with Power digitally, thanks to Chris Owens. If you prefer these Star System magazines with the downfall of celebrities, you’ll probably enjoy GMZ. And if you’re too busy to do all this because you have children, get some tips with Chris Swartz’ Raising a Gamer series as he narrates his daughter’s initiation to retrogaming.
For everything else, you can listen to the pride and joy of 1 More Castle, the podcast with your hosts Jason Lamb, Eric Hunter and Eric Bailey. Not only will you hear great music, listen to interesting retrogaming debates and deconstructions of games, but you’ll learn about Lawnmowers, Rocket Pants, Sock Piano, Canada, the Juggernaut, Milk Scissors, PC game mods, Phone Book collecting and the Dennis Hopper Assistant Simulator.
And, finally, if you’re the kind of person whose favorite hobby is driving to a large city with your loved ones and listen to a hobo ramble about his time as President of the United Provinces of Canada, you might be interested in reading our editor-in-chief’s (and co-founder) fan fiction featuring people from this very website; most of them, he never met!
So there you have it, the last My Two Gils for the foreseeable future. Don’t get me wrong, I might write more nonsense at a later date, but not under the My Two Gils name. You see, when I started writing here, I was barely confident enough to post on this great website. The fact that I didn’t have a name for my column didn’t help, but Eric Bailey came up with this name and I immediately fell in love with it. Now, a year later, as much as I remain underwhelmed by some of the articles I posted, I genuinely love what this column is about, and I have Bailey to thank for this. My Two Gils belongs to 1 More Castle for now. If it is ever reused, it will have to be in a place and format that will be good enough to maintain a reputation worthy of its origins, and the website responsible for its inception.
Thank you for reading, I hope I managed to entertain you guys and, more than anything, that I’ll be able to entertain you once again in the future.
SHUT UP! I JUST HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE!