Excitebike Star Dies due to “Engine Malfunction”
By Edward Nigma
“Jumping” Jim Rivers, Motocross enthusiast and star of the Nintendo classic Excitebike, as well as the sequel Excitebike 64, tragically passed away on Saturday due to an engine malfunction on his dirt bike.
Early on Saturday morning, Rivers went out for a ride on his private motocross course. He was there with his friend and fellow video game character Hogan Hammerfeld of Hogan’s Alley fame, who stated that Rivers was going to teach him how to ride dirt bikes. Hogan stepped away from the track for a moment to “take a leak” while Rivers was warming up the bikes. Suddenly, Hogan heard a clinging sound followed by screaming. Hogan ran back to the bikes to find Rivers engulfed in flames. Hogan put out Rivers’ flames, and alerted 911 of the accident. Rivers made it to the hospital, but died in the facility due to complications from the injuries he sustained.
The police does not suspect foul play, but has not ruled anything out yet. Rivers’ family is currently in mourning, and offered no comment on the incident, but have announced that they will be holding a service this coming Wednesday for those who were “touched by Jim’s work”.
Insert Coin Error: The Pac-Man Story (Part 1)
By L. Mac
In July of 1980, Pac-Man was riding high. Literally. After several years trying to break into the industry on the heels of Space Invaders without success, Pac-Man finally found his saving grace in his self-titled debut arcade game only two months earlier. By July, Pac-Man had become a sensation through all of Japan, and plans to bring the game to America were being solidified. On the particular night of July 20th, Pac-Man found himself in a strip club private room in his native Cleveland. That night, in that room, was where Pac-Man first downed Adderall, which later moved to Desoxyn methamphetamine and Oxycotin.
“It was easy in those days,” stated Pac-Man in an interview for this series with GMZ reporter Greg Fitz, “the Japanese business men were all efficiency nuts, so they gave you what you wanted as long as you kept churning out hits, faster and faster. It was a great scheme, I’ll give them that. Hook me, then use that leverage to keep me in their hands.”
Pac-Man was a prescription fiend by the time his game arrived in America. The imagery of the game, constantly swallowing pellets while on the run, very much mirrored Pac-Man’s personal life.
“I remember one day in the mid-80’s, when I was big, but my games were already released, I woke up, and who the fuck was next to me? SonSon. I was laying in a motel bed next to SonSon, who was covered in his own piss. I mean, that guy had a kid on the way, he was married, and he was passed out next to an open bottle of Oxy at 3 PM on a Tuesday,” Pac-Man recalled, “It was absolutely bizarre. Those times were daze. A mix of time being on super speed, and moving slower than molasses.”
By the winter of 1980, Pac-Man was back in Japan, working on his new game.
“It was a new low. I knew I was in trouble, but I couldn’t stop it. I needed the money. I mean, they came in and said ‘Wear this’, and I said ‘Fuck you! I’m not wearing this!’ They said that they could easily find a replacement to make a game about eating and running, and who knows, maybe they could have, maybe they couldn’t, but I didn’t test them. I shut up, and put the bow on.”
Pac-Man assumed the role of Ms. Pac-Man, sporting a red bow, mole, and lipstick. Utterly humiliated, but unrecognizable to the public, Pac-Man worked tirelessly through the game which, despite his reservations, became another huge success. Pac-Man now had enough money to continue in his indulgent lifestyle.
“I think my addiction isn’t just the pills, it’s the stature. You get so used to feeling powerful, feeling loved, that you don’t want to let that go. Augment that with the drugs, and it’s a rough combo.”
Next issue, we will continue to follow Pac-Man’s story in this series exclusive to GMZ, as he finds himself in a career slump and grasping for new avenues.
Twitter Feud Explodes Into Scandal in Filgaia
By Art Simon
A series of tweets last night between two lovers is causing creating headlines all over Filgaia today. Rudy Roughknight, boyfriend to the beloved Princess Cecilia Lynne Adlehyde, took to Twitter to air out the couple’s dirty laundry, accusing the princess of cheating on him. Here’s the exchange:
There is already speculation that the “Jack” in question is Jack Van Burance, Rudy’s best friend. A spokesperson for the Kingdom of Adlehyde said the princess is very upset as a result of everything that has happened. Meanwhile, when contacted this morning, a friend of Rudy’s said the princess is faking it. Also, he said Rudy was planning to go to his island to sit on a rock and listen to silence to clear his head.
We were unable to contact Mr. Van Burace as he is attending the alt-country Scarborough Fair, where he is performing as his alter ego, Garrett Stampede.