by Cece Romano
Last week, Shia LaBeouf, famed actor, artist, and paper-bag wearer, opened a new meta-modernist art exhibit. A follow-up to his exhibit #IAMSORRY, the newly titled @IGN consists of LeBeouf sobbing loudly and rolling in a pile of money naked in a small room as people enter. The entrants are them allowed to take an item off a table (a bag of Doritos, a bottle of Mountain Dew, and a copy of the latest Call of Duty) and physically assault LaBeouf with it.
Greetings readers! Welcome to the very first issue of Retro Power. We got a lot of great feedback from you. We hope you enjoy reading these great stories as much as we did! We could use more art from you guys next month. If you are an artist or know an artist who is into retro gaming, please feel free to spread the word. We also really want to see your retro gaming hauls too, don’t be shy! Keep being awesome, readers. We are quite fond of you.
-Alex and Valerie
By Pierre Goguen
PG: So, how did such a young guy come up with the genius idea of GMZ all by himself and absolutely without any kind of help or input from anyone else?
Also, I have another series, where I interview people, titled Queries, on 1MoreCastle, which you should totally check out. And a show called Sub Pop that I post on my Instagram where I review soda.
By Noriko Kashiwagi
With Nintendo having recently celebrated its 125th anniversary, many were surprised to see that most gamers were completely unaware that the company was so old, or that they started off by creating the Seattle Mariners, a worldwide chain a love hotels for seamen.
Well it just so happens that another video game publisher/developer with a bizarre origin story is celebrating its 50th anniversary this very week. Ubisoft, mostly known for releasing a steady stream of flawless games and DRM software gamers absolutely love, has reached its golden anniversary, which you might not have known if you get your information from Wikipedia. There, you’d get some nonsense about it being founded by 5 brothers in 1986. The truth is something a little more weird.
In fact, the company was founded in 1964 by the father of the 5 Guillemot brothers, Organes Génitaux Guillemot and his brother-in-law, Charles Atan Breton, and those boys my have the product that served as the foundation of the company to thank for their very existence.
The elder Organes and Charles were amateur apothecaries who both suffered for a particular disfunction which was erectile in nature. While working one a pill that would make facial hair only grown in a thin line directly above the upper lip, the two accidentally discovered that their pill, instead of making you look like a dick, gave them erections that lasted for hours.
Sales were poor when it was only sold in France and then French speaking areas of the world (for obvious reasons), but a name change (they called it Pénisilline) and selling their products in other markets helped the company survive until the 80s, when it branched into video games. The name Ubisoft can be chalked up to nothing more than a poor understanding of English and spelling. The founding duo wanted their advertisement to ask the readers if they were “soft,” thus “You be soft?” became “Ubisoft.” The rest is history.
The number one is from the first Super Mario Brothers. Why did I tell you that upfront? I did it to hurt you. Do you feel the disappointment? That feeling, is it familiar to you? Do you feel betrayed? Like someone crossed the line? Is your heart broken? Is this your heart bleeding before me? Is this you down on your knees? These foolish games are tearing you apart. These thoughtless spoilers are breaking your heart. They’re breaking your heart.
So there’s talk of a possible Tetris sci-fi live-action movie and I, for one, am all for it!
I love Tetris!
And if Clue can be a movie, then why can’t a beloved retro gem like Tetris be a movie too?
Now, if we’re really going to take this news seriously, we’re going to have to set an example because we, as retro gamers and retro gaming aficionados, have the power to influence Hollywood this time and help steer this project towards something a little bit better than that House Of The Dead movie, for instance.
Let’s put our heads together and try to figure out the best way to make a Tetris movie work.
By Clayton Shefter
Just over a decade after Vick accumulated 500+ combined yards in passing and rushing with ease in Madden 04, Vick received what he calls “the highest honor of my career,” the 2014 recipient of the Golden Pong. Not known for his emotions, a teary-eyed Michael Vick thanked the college and NFL defenses he dominated in the early 2000s and EA Sports for bestowing on him super-human ratings on the one football game where he graced the cover.
By Tom “T-Bone” Stankus
Child Welfare Services have placed the the young Prince and all his cousins in various foster homes and shelters after police across the universe arrested their parents for a multitude of charges ranging from reckless endangerment, child labour, cruelty, and malnutrition.
Red Bull, of all people, have launched a videogame series focusing on Japanese videogame music.
If you’re one of the thousands of people who grew up wishing they could one day work for GMZ, you’re in luck because we’re hiring! Now, you too can enjoy all the perks of being a member of one of the world’s foremost news teams: no pay, confusing and contradictory demands from your supervisors, no health benefits, sarcasm, free enemas, mandatory midiclorian testing, surprise enemas, severe risk of Englebert Humperdink syndrome, and reverse transversal Dorititis of the elbows.
Special guest reporter Bailey here with a red-hot exclusive scoop. Stop the presses: In the latest Nintendo Direct presentation, CEO Satoru Iwata announced a new title that should usher in a new era of crossovers for the big N systems. Gamers everywhere are reeling from the news, as unbelievable as it sounds, and as ridiculously awesome as it seems – with the release of official company screenshots, there seems little room for doubt. It is coming. It is Super Smash Kart Pokémon Vs Tekken Ware Dream Snap Party Star Turbo.
On Monday, we lost a comedic legend. Robin Williams died and left behind an amazing legacy in film. I grew up admiring his comedic talents, getting my first taste of his manic style of comedy in Disney’s Aladdin, where he voiced the role of The Genie (explaining why my mother was so excited to see this film). I’d go on to enjoy more of his work, particularly Good Morning Vietnam and his stand-up comedy specials. And while it isn’t the greatest, Robin Williams left behind a video game legacy as well. His children, Zelda and Cody, are named after well-known video game characters (Zelda from The Legend of Zelda series, and Cody from the Final Fight series), and his likeness appears in a handful of games as well. Let’s take a look at some of those. Read More
By Ray Davies
Fans of the classic NES puzzle games Adventures of Lolo might have something to celebrate, depending on how they react to the details of the Lolo reboot. The first game will be called Adventures of Yolo: Quest for Swag. As well, the characters of Lolo and Lala will be combined into Lola. It is not clear if the character will be a transvestite or a transgender person. The game will still be a puzzle game, but instead of moving eggs around to open an exit, your goal will be to pick up sailors and have them leave the club with you. You can expect it for Wii U and 3DS in time for the holidays.